Stay With Discomfort, Don’t Get Sidetracked

When we are feeling miserable, there is a tremendous temptation to head for our addictions. Our addictions are ways of thinking or being that repress and numb us so that we don’t have to feel our discomfort.

One of my personal favorites is going on-line to check out the news. In the middle of trying to “keep current” I notice that I will read articles or watch videos where people are suffering. Usually these scenarios involve someone who feels humiliated. As I observe their pain, it temporarily distracts me from my own pain. Politicians provide plentiful madness in this realm.

Another thing I do to distract myself is laundry. I always feel good when the laundry is done, everything is clean, neatly folded and “in its place”. All is well; my family is safe.

What do you habitually do to distract yourself when you are feeling uncomfortable?

Loving the Cranky Baby

It takes skill to remain present when strong negative emotions surface. I bring my awareness back into my body and notice my breath. I let go of the characters in my drama and stay with my emotions, feeling them, but not doing anything about them. If a story starts to unravel around the emotions I let it go and come back to my body and my breath.

The more that I remain with the discomfort the more comfortable I get with difficult emotions. It is a “muscle” worth exercising. You can count on something more challenging coming along that feels overwhelming, or the same scenarios return to be worked with again. It does’t matter. If I am feeling miserable the answer every time is to stay with it, and to have gratitude for the opportunity.

There are sophisticated ways to engage with negative emotions that I learned from reading the teachings of Buddhist nun Pema Chodron. She writes about Tonglen (Tibetan for giving and taking) practice on her web site. According to Chodron, Tonglen is a way for us to connect with our suffering. She writes:

Maybe you are able to name your pain. You recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger or wanting to get revenge. So you breathe in for all the people who are caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens up the space for yourself and all those countless others. Maybe you can’t name what you’re feeling. But you can feel it —a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe in, take it in —for all of us and send out relief to all of us.

Difficulties and the Relationship to Ourselves

I don’t remember to stay present all of the time. My husband will tell you that. One thing that helps is to have cues that remind us to stay with our discomfort. When we feel pain, physical or emotional it is time to pause and notice what it going on with our bodies and our emotions. The first thing that we might notice is that we have checked out and are heading for one of our addictions. We can observe this and keep our effort focused on coming back to ourselves.

The most important aspect of this practice is to be patient and accepting toward ourselves. When we stay with ourselves this opens us up to all of life. We are better able to cope and feel less stuck and less reactive to our circumstances. It helps us to be less judgmental toward ourselves and toward others. In short it helps us to love ourselves, as we are, in the moment.

Difficulties and Relationships to Others

Working with this awareness can also deepen relationships with others. When my son and I got into a discussion that was getting tense, I wanted to smooth things over and not talk about the “sensitive” issues that were arising. I was questioning him and he jumped on me for that. I realized that my opinion was based on my mother’s views that I had incorporated into my own thinking.

As we continued to talk, I felt that I saw my son for who he is, so beautiful, and so amazing, not some strange version of him based on old views handed down to me. I think we both learned something in that conversation. I was happy that I did not shy away from uncomfortable emotions, but stayed with the moment. It was extremely worth it. It shocks me to see how much I want to avoid life, so I can steer clear of difficult experiences. The only way to live fully is to embrace all of life.

Difficulties as an Opening

When you feel miserable, fantastic! Remember this misery is an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to become more yourself, which is beautiful beyond anything that you can ever imagine. Use your time wisely. Be patient, and accepting toward yourself. When you least expect it you will see things more clearly. In this way we can turn these perplexing moments into openings for growth, and learn to cultivate compassion for ourselves — even if the moments stretch into days, months or years.

We all benefit from hearing the experiences of others. Please tell us about your experience of staying with difficult emotions. What happens to you? Share another experience that is relevant.